ruminating

This is the crappiest time of year for me. I suffer from the winter blues. Its totally because the days get short and I can't stand it.
So this year I am trying to be logical about it and use the time I feel stuck inside to really get my home in order. My family and I are veteran pack rats. Slobs, although I have made some remarkable strides in modifying that behavior.
I've managed to keep my sink unluttered for nearly a week
( however i confess i haven't done much cooking this week).
I've also made the bed every day this week which NEVER happened before here or anywhere I lived my entire life. SO see, there is some progress.

I just read an interesting novel called Juniper Tree Burning. I was drawn to it because the main character had an uncharacteristic childhood and I wanted to see how she wrote about it. I enjoyed her choice not to relate a chronological timeline but to flip flop between past and present. It worked for the story.

Unfortunately it dredged up some of my wierdo past and i had a hard time sleeping some nights. Just because you always wonder if you've made the right choices, and you wonder what kind of dominoe effects you've set into motion. I think one is probably much more prone to that kind of evaluating if you have kids of your own. You SO worry about your actions and the consequences it has for your children.

I also have a problem sometimes with noticing the anguish that exists on the planet. It seems as if there should be a clinical term for a condition that is characterized by too much empathy for suffering. It wouldn't be so bad if I picked a cause and made some contribution to it wether my time or my money, but I don't, I am paralyzed by the enormity of the situation.
This isn't to say that I am depresed and unable to function-its just that I get waves of wondering why the dark side of life has to be so dark. Why do kids have to suffer? Why are people who inflict pain so often just another round in a cycle of pain? How can those cycles be broken? can they be broken?

And then I wonder how can I organize my art supplies in a way that are accessible to me but not to my daughter Sophie? How will I get the Christmas decorations put away in an orderly way without her "helping" me? What do I do with all these different piles of information I've saved in case I need them and they seem only to be taking up space?

What do I do with all the pages of notes for the different business ideas I've had? What do I do with all the tiny pieces of paper I wrote on in the numerous awful desk jobs I've had, that mostly complain about said horrible desk job? They might contain some jewel, some kernel of unrealized truth?

And finally, what do you do when the identity you've worn for so long doesn't seem to fit anymore? How do you shed dead skin painlessly and without regret?

Any insights appreciated