thinking a lot

and that's what always gets me into trouble. Not real trouble mind you, just I tie myself in mental knots.

I was thinknig today while I was sweeping, that my attitude towards home cleanliness has changed. I used to not really care, and that probably gave me more time for creativity (well not caring and not having kids!) but today I was wondering if in my incrementally encroaching maturity, MAYBE my attitude about it has changed because my attitude towards ME has changed.
I maybe have admitted to myself that I DO care what other folks think, I am willing to take into consideration now the intensity of first impressions and how negative first impressions are hard to shake. I also think I have come to a place where I genuinely care about myself more and there by care more about my personal environment more. I'll NEVER! be a neatnik. but I can more often embrace the Zen of housework and the lesson that you just have to do maintenance in life and its a lot of the same thing over and over again.....the dishes, the laundry, sweeping, vacuuming, scrubbing stuff. It can't be changed. The maintenance will always need to be done. Only your attitude towards it can change.

I also try really hard trying not to waste energy wishing and fighting about what other people in the house will and won't do. Ther are exceptions, I won't allow complete slobbery. I just made peace with the concept that if filth or some chore bothers me that is not done, than I just do it. I will ask for help, suggest help, but I won't bitch if it doesn't happen. It makes a postive differnece for me.

I'm really working on the psychology of my clutter and problems with getting systems or organization in place that would make my life easier. I waste WAY TOO MUCH time just looking for things. It makes me crazy!! I know some of my complication are the kids messing with the family desk. I also have to mesh with someone else and we haven't found something yet that works for both of us. I'm hoping google calendar could help but we haven't experimented yet. So much of the projects I have would get done almost effortlessly if I was organized and then I fantasize maybe, that I could do even more things.

This organization issue really hampers my homeschooling fantasy.

It also hampers my quest for creativity. I'm pleased that I'm trying to work through it and try to understand it rather than just getting disgusted and giving up.

If I can just figure it out slowly even it will help immeasurably. Especially for the new projects that are unfolding.

I've had to compromise with myself and come to terms with the fact that I realistically can probably only blog once a week. I may take pictures more often. I can't beat myself up because the blogging doesn't happen. Its not productive. I do wish I could use it better as a kind of daily journal but paper may be more feasible.

I need pen and paper on my body more often.

I need to finish my notion that different bags for different purposes will help me.

I remembered I am desperate for more magic in my life. I haven't yet defined what that magic is...or if it even requires a definition or description. I think it has to do with art and nature.

My kids are amazing but soooo exhausting.

My grownup kid is going to Europe for the summer and I'm REALLY jealous. I want to sneak away and go with them. I would seriously consider it but I'm really good at making excuses and rationalizations why I won't go. sad isn't it.

I love trees. I love the play of shadow and sun on a floor or a wall.

I want to explore my femininity.
I've decided to celebrate my clutter by photographing it.

ya know, I can be an artist if want to.