end of summer 2010

I ALWAYS feel so conflicted about the end of summer. I love the oncoming crispness and cool evenings, Halloween, but I dread the shorter days.

I'm trying to look at longer evenings as an invitation to curl inwards and write and read. I hope I give myself permission more often this year to do those things.

I also want to take steps to de-commercialize the holidays as much as possible. I like a tacky, overboard Christmas but I don't like the Wal-Mart version...can I have lots of hand made glitz and heartfelt gifts? Can I start family traditions that reflect a shared humanity and not what we can buy at the last second?

Many things spinning on the poetry/Gallery carousel. Trying to bring things to fruition, trying to gauge the merit and satisfaction levels of undertakings, imposing order on my surroundings, including the kids in the day to day chores, learning to cook in new ways.

The farm has a long list of to do's but beyond the wet basement problem, I;m trying to keep issues a labor of love, of want rather than just jobs to get done. Seems like we have a more successful corn harvest this year -yay!

Understanding Campaign

Justin Sirois has started a good campaign. Go here:





and check it out!

thnx

Its Halloween

I wish I was mre excited. At the moment I am most definitely not.
Soph is excited because she kicked H1 in time. she has a costume she is happy to be wearing.

The weather is a little blah but good ambience.

I'm just cranky that I don't get to go out and be a grown up when it falls on a saturday night.

yikes the time between

pumpkin biscuits
pumpkin pie
running on Sunny's walk
yesterday put black shelf in dining room and worked on Prufrock
sorted and put away clean clothes
made dinner pasta, jalapeno chicken sausage and steamed cauliflower

watched the Story of Stuff

jotted thoughts for a poem

brought craft stuff downstairs

cleaned a little more of sophs room

yesterday I straightened Erics room

yesterday surfed Craigs list for shelving

its the weekend

wow we have a lot of clothes in this house. especially when you add the handful of end of year fall/winter clothes that still fit from last year. There are 5 of us in the house and lordy do the clothes add up.

I had child free time tonight and as much as I wanted to go play! I knew that I would be more sane during single parent week if I had a handle on some of the chaos in the house. I got a LOT done. I'm still doing laundry but I can keep up with a couple loads at a time now.

I'm so conscious of spending money and yet it feels like I still spend foolishly when I'm shopping. It will be great to see from the new finance software I downloaded, if I'm making any improvements with my spending. I'm trying extra hard not to eat out and grab coffees left and right. Its really hard if we;re out and the kids start whining. I am getting better at bringing snacks and drinks. Not perfect but better.

I realize that I'm trying to revolutionize my life. I may set myself up for disappoint but I'm not very good at doing things slowly or methodically. I'm trying to eat local and/or from scratch. This is the toughest thing to get the kids to do. Their palates are already so screwed by food industry. They are making progress. Sophie in particular is making good choices of her own accord.

We've also brought a dog into the household which is a big thing. She's great with Uly and Soph was begging for a dog. I knew it would mostly be my job and I also knew it would force me to move around more. I can reason my way out of exercise no problem. I can't weasel my way out of walking the dog.

I am still making incremental steps towards a tidy organized house...you know according to my standards.

Making plans to expand what I do with PIB.

I'm also on an outward appearance polishing stint since the haircut. Multiple reasons for undertaking it but I think it will help me in the long run. Not to mention the fact its another from of self expression...I used to be a much more dramatic dresser. Want to bring makeup back into my life too.

Coaxing myself to take my writing seriously and take little steps every day that help me feel like a "real" writer.

I'm allowing myself to feel good about the things I accomplish. Instead of chastising myself for all the things I don't get done. I'm using this blog to help with that goal. Record keeping will give my perception some balance. I hope its not too boring for everyone else.

I'm also going to take myself more seriously by treating PIB like a business and taking all the steps that entails. It may take a little while but it will be good for me on multiple levels.

I was pleased with myself today eventually. I woke up kinda crappy and Uly was on my nerves early but instead of staying in the funk and being bitchy all day, I reminded myself that I only set myself back and hurt my day by choosing that mood. I didn't think it would make a difference but it did. I decided even if I didn't get my mammoth to do list done at least I could get little things done to prepare for another day to attack the mammoth list. I motivated and ran some little errands and felt better for it.

Getting out of the house also gave me the impetus not just ot buy kitty litter and a new dog collar but to clean out all the trash in the car and take all the car travel buildup in to the house.

Not sure what to do about mega dog hair in the car. maintenance vacuuming probably.

Working with myself not to stress about the farm. I need it to remain a pleasurable place and not just drudgery. Its hard not to routinely do the pros and cons list of living there when I think about havin chickens and other critters. But I also know I have to take it on gradually or I will just lose what sanity i have left.

wednesday already

I realized today I had a lot less written than I thought I did.

I was always thinking that I should have a list of things that trigger writerly thoguhts...bats and pumpkins and starts were idea lifted from Neil Gaiman's blog. I love!! Neil Gaiman. He's fierce and smart and funny and sweet. Well, I don't really know him but he spreads magic and damn if that isn't an important and terribly lovely talent to have!!!!

I was crying for poor trees today that were ripped up at the Lowes building site across from our playground/park. I hate that this is the norm. Would it really be that much more expensive to save a couple tress in the grand landscape of a fucking parking lot?!!!

I need to understand why the Tiger mosquitos are evil in our neighborhood and if we can do anything about it.

Sophie made her first pillow today at school learning to sew!!

We had a brief celebration of the Equinox at the farm with Christophe and Karen. Uly was a bit too exuberant for the night to be really pleasant for me but the fire was nice ans so was the evening.

I need to write or find something I've written about BAltimore.

HAve TO DO Prufrock!!!!!!

monday but feels later in the week

wow I love it when I feel like i do right now. Like things are possible, like I actually have a little sass, like I'm proud of myself that I continue to take little steps in this journey towards better health habits, like taking incremental but definitely positive steps in my parenting, feeling good about my daughters' school choice even if it is odd and totally non traditional, not feeling total dread about the impending fall winter season, being nervous but stoked about this whole farming adventure, giving my writing small chunks of time but consistent priority, feeling self confident enough to greet strangers and start conversations like used to, giving myself space and patience to learn how to be more tidy and organized, loving how Carm and I are working through money and time issues together and not just getting angry at one another, loving when the poetry events come together and feel like real community.

I couldn't point to a single prompt for all these changes and momentum. I know that reading The Omnivore's Dilemma started something. Then it was on to Animal Vegetable Miracle and the infomercial-ly Kevin Trudeau books. These books along with countless blogs and magazine articles confirmed for me that the food and health industries were precisely that-industries-and had little or no concern for the people using their "products". Its astounding what greed accomplishes without regard to others.

So I've been working really hard to take responsibility for what goes into my body and how I spend my money. Its even an effort to be the change you want to see. Its not necessarily easy. Especially when it comes to the kids or when you are unexpectedly running around. The junk is there waiting for you and your kids at every turn.

I've noticed how little tolerance I have for just how much junk is advertised as food and there seems to be no limitation to it. It seems immoral to me when its so heavily marketed to children. It also seems immoral when consumers get such half truths and mytholgy.

Anyway, this frustration and anger I'm channeling into the energy and willpower to change my habits. Marilu Henner books have been helpful too.
The book about the Iowan childhood during the Depression was very insightful too.

There is NO question that eating more plants and less out of a box is making a big difference to my physical health and my emotional health. I think the above list is a good indication. Usually I'm listing my laments.

Friday night was great! which I already mentioned. Saturday was a couple hours of crab feast and then on to the FlyIN at Essex Skypark which wasn't nearly as boring as I'm used to. I know partly is because I felt less frumpy and I sort of know a couple people. Uly was ecstatic with the planes and show cars. Soph had fun riding bikes.

It was a good farm say sunday. Pulled all the vegetable cages from the garden. Started cleaning out the red shed AND started cleanin out my big truck. Can't wait to drive that!

And its funnt I know that a big chunk of my returning sass and bette attitude is my hair cut. Its cut my frumpiness degree at least in half. At least in my self perception. Geez, I should've done it ages ago. But better late than never!

blissful friday

I'm still buzzing from the delightful, hilarious, poetic friday night that I almost didn't attend.

Jim Warner and Virginia Crawford brought me the most delightful, delicious gathering of friends I've had in so many ages I can't count them.

And we've discovered the best neighborhood bar in Hamilton-our secret.

wednesday

I had all these great but swiftly passing thoughts while I did dishes and drove and when I got near the computer i would promptly forget them....

The one great thing about Sudbury is that our mornings are so much more relaxed. No more giant battles of will or crying plaintive wailing. Its GREAT!

Sophie was complaining this morning that she only wanted full days at school...Wednesdays are half days each week.

so got Soph to school, came home and took Sunny and Uly to see the big equipment down the road but it was a little cold.

Then breakfast for me and change of clothes for Uly and off to get a haircut with Barb. We were a little early so Uly walked Duncan arounf the block.

Off to the haircut. The hair lady has the funny little trilobite dog.

Then dropped off Barb and stopped by to say hi to Christy.

Picked Soph up.

Ran home and did paperwork for FOX Club.

Clipped some shrubbery out front.

Sent some First Day emails. Took some notes about my poetry goals.

did dishes, some laundry. Straightened dining room.

Took Soph to FOX Club. Wandered with Uly around park.

Came home and sorted stuff from dining room table, put books in shelf, shuffled papers on desk.

sent 3rd Friday Night PerVerse press emails

Scrubbed out water basin of vacuum. Hosed down brick path in yard.

ordered kabob carry out

Walked Sunny.

tuesday

Soph to school

made breakfast for Uly and I

showered Uly and I

scrubbed unknown sticky stuff from bedroom chest of drawers

scrubbed old cat vomit off bedroom floor

gathered dirty clothes

carried the multiple baskets to basement in multiple trips

hung up boys work clothes

scrubbed basement toilet and sink

scrubbed utility sink

sorted the major pile of laundry

washed dishes

straightened back porch

took sophie her lunch

took Uly and Sunny to park

picked Sophie up from school

made dinner of quinoa, black beans cabbage and salsa

made iced tea

sent some emails about Creative Alliance and scheduling

just washed dinner dishes

monday

soph to school

dropped another bag of clothes to Christine

Uly was uber cranky so I cooked a lot for him

Sent some poetry emails for scheduling

made dinner of taters onions cauliflower and mixed peppers

bathed Uly

walked sunny twice

sunday was wacky

farm, picked pumpkins and peppers with kids.

made egg sandwiches

washed mud off pumpkins in stream

got Uly to nap

went to Minas for poetry

drove mom back to Fells Point got coffee with mom and soph

came home

made fast dinner of sliced potatoes, yellow peppers onions and a few slices of ham.

crashed at 9:30 pm

poetrry at Greenmount

Today was consumed by poetry at Greenmount Cemetery and then a jaunt to HampdenFest where I discovered a new band. Caverns

Then to bookstore Atomic Books to get overwhelmed by books and tchotkes bought an Orion Magazine for the piece on Wendell Berry.

Hooked back up with Carm and kids after his 4 days away and went ot tail end of Defenders day at Fort McHenry and watched fireworks.

new approach

I'm thinking maybe I could use this as a reference tool.
Keep track somewhat of what I do in a day since it feels like I don't do much.

Is this the dullest idea ever? No I think it will help me appreciate the daily, the ordinary, the Zen.

Sophie started Sudbury this week. That's happy stuff!

Did 4 sun salutations

skimmed "how to create a non profit" documents

stayed pleasant with Uly from 5:30 am to 1:30 thank god he finally napped

made steel cut oats

took kids for chinese late lunch

spent two hours at bookstore with kids reading Uly books about earth movers

went to Trader Joes to get stuff for Memento Mori reading tomorrow

sent some First Day emails

answered some emails

got Uly asleep for the night

can I stay in this saddle

Carm is absolutely correct that I waste time that could be writing time. I also realize that some vegging time is essential to writing. Where is the happy medium?

What am I writing about?

What are my writing goals?

Where is my writing parent?

What happened to my morning pages?

SO what about the story I told Sophie years ago about unicorns and a princess?
Remember, the unicorns were always fighting with one another. They fought over toys, they fought over the rules of games, they fought over snacks, they just were constantly bickering.

One unicorn pointed out that no one was having any fun anymore.

is this thing on?

I haven't blogged in ages. What happened to a photo and/or post a day. I couldn't tell you.

BUT I want to share a giveaway opportunity:
http://tollipop.typepad.com/tollipop/2009/04/the-great-tollipop-giveaway.html

Go there quick and get a cance at some lovely little prints.

Maybe I'll come back and write something-share some poems perhaps.

late night

The kidlets are sleeping and I'm alone with my thoughts. I can think of other things I should do but this is good for ME. At least I think it is.

A little perplexed how to get more movement in my day so I'm not boxed into some kind of exercise routine I gag on. I danced briefly with Uly to a song he likes. I pushed him a half dozen times or more up and down outside..I tried to go fast enough to trot occasionally. That is not enough but a tiny bit is better than none at all?

I'm hampered currently by the weather and by the inconsistency of Carm's schedule. I could be firm about my schedule but its not my nature.

I'm thinking creatively and strategically about The Land of La. It has had the desired effect so far. I am visualizing it as a success for everyone involved.

I need to research if freelance writing is viable as a income stream. I am willing to invest my time and energy to that.

I really need to research more about raising fancy chickens.

I want another way to keep track of my days. This is partly helpful but I need more detail and I want it to be daily.

I have two ideas for Sophie's birthday presents but I don't know if I realistically have the time.
I gotta try to do at least one of them.

I want to spend a little time updating the links to my favorite blogs. I really do enjoy them. They are a bit of a time suck in one way but they are terribly inspiring in most ways. Just seeing and reading about all the other daily lives out there. People pursuing their dreams, raising their kids, trying to follow their bliss, taking chances, going against the grain. All that good stuff.

thinking a lot

and that's what always gets me into trouble. Not real trouble mind you, just I tie myself in mental knots.

I was thinknig today while I was sweeping, that my attitude towards home cleanliness has changed. I used to not really care, and that probably gave me more time for creativity (well not caring and not having kids!) but today I was wondering if in my incrementally encroaching maturity, MAYBE my attitude about it has changed because my attitude towards ME has changed.
I maybe have admitted to myself that I DO care what other folks think, I am willing to take into consideration now the intensity of first impressions and how negative first impressions are hard to shake. I also think I have come to a place where I genuinely care about myself more and there by care more about my personal environment more. I'll NEVER! be a neatnik. but I can more often embrace the Zen of housework and the lesson that you just have to do maintenance in life and its a lot of the same thing over and over again.....the dishes, the laundry, sweeping, vacuuming, scrubbing stuff. It can't be changed. The maintenance will always need to be done. Only your attitude towards it can change.

I also try really hard trying not to waste energy wishing and fighting about what other people in the house will and won't do. Ther are exceptions, I won't allow complete slobbery. I just made peace with the concept that if filth or some chore bothers me that is not done, than I just do it. I will ask for help, suggest help, but I won't bitch if it doesn't happen. It makes a postive differnece for me.

I'm really working on the psychology of my clutter and problems with getting systems or organization in place that would make my life easier. I waste WAY TOO MUCH time just looking for things. It makes me crazy!! I know some of my complication are the kids messing with the family desk. I also have to mesh with someone else and we haven't found something yet that works for both of us. I'm hoping google calendar could help but we haven't experimented yet. So much of the projects I have would get done almost effortlessly if I was organized and then I fantasize maybe, that I could do even more things.

This organization issue really hampers my homeschooling fantasy.

It also hampers my quest for creativity. I'm pleased that I'm trying to work through it and try to understand it rather than just getting disgusted and giving up.

If I can just figure it out slowly even it will help immeasurably. Especially for the new projects that are unfolding.

I've had to compromise with myself and come to terms with the fact that I realistically can probably only blog once a week. I may take pictures more often. I can't beat myself up because the blogging doesn't happen. Its not productive. I do wish I could use it better as a kind of daily journal but paper may be more feasible.

I need pen and paper on my body more often.

I need to finish my notion that different bags for different purposes will help me.

I remembered I am desperate for more magic in my life. I haven't yet defined what that magic is...or if it even requires a definition or description. I think it has to do with art and nature.

My kids are amazing but soooo exhausting.

My grownup kid is going to Europe for the summer and I'm REALLY jealous. I want to sneak away and go with them. I would seriously consider it but I'm really good at making excuses and rationalizations why I won't go. sad isn't it.

I love trees. I love the play of shadow and sun on a floor or a wall.

I want to explore my femininity.
I've decided to celebrate my clutter by photographing it.

ya know, I can be an artist if want to.

time flies

I read somewhere that the sensation of time flying as we age is caused by the fact we don't record what we've done with our days. So the days have a tendency to blur together.

I like that idea. SO in addition to making this a creativity log (haha) I want to make it just a daily log.

Wish me luck!


Also really trying to change my food habits. more nuts fruits and veggies as staples rather than as snacks. I'm so trained to think a meal is meat, bread or pasta and a veggie. It can be soooooo many things.

Right now i'm eating an apple instead of a bowl of cereal. And i'm going to make brown paper bags of my own snack mix to carry with me always.

I'm one of those people who don't understand the concept of a schedule or routine but would most likely benefit from one or both.

This past tuesday night I went to Follow The Buffalo writing workshop at El Rancho Grande and was glad I did because it genuinely recharged MY interest in my story. Its been lying lonesome and untended for so long. Even if I never publish it, my psyche needs to finish it. I need that experience.

Uly was awfully cute just now playing the piano and singing his own material. Priceless.

Sophie was stressing this morning over her looming test of the day on simple machines. I hope the worry doesn't ruin her day. There are 6 simple machines. Do you know what they are?

The pics are my mom and Uly playing with the pigeons and gulls in Fells Point on tuesday.
They are phone pics, but you knew that.

does it ever make sense

Why do we have the utter illusion that if we just do this one thing, if just this undertaking or project gets done, then we will be better some how. We will feel more in control, more on top of things? Why do we insist on believing this fallacy? I mean, really, why?

Its so self defeating. IT will never all get done. NEVER. Something always comes to take the place of the thing that got done, that isn't done.

I beat myself senseless with this merry go round. I do sometimes get the satisfaction of seeing things get done, the joy of having a project come to fruition. Its particularly satisfying when its a creative project.

But house maintenance, laundry, dishes, all that stuff is eternal and never ever finished. I try so hard to be Zen about it and just try to be present and try to to do my best but ultimately I find it tedious and dull and unfullfilling.

Thats when I bust out and do a craft or something. Paint a wall that doesn't need painting.
Anyway, all that was to preface the fact that our Valentine's craft is done.

If i dig through my archives I can give credit to the original crafter who came up with the idea for the tree but I'm lazy right now. I promise i will find it.

The painting is one of my favorites...not sure who the artist is...its a mermaid and a man in a desperate embrace at waters edge.

I haven't been taking a photo every day and I have't been creative everyday but I am thinkng about it regularly. I have to figure out how to post the crafty/creative posts here to Creative Every Day blog.

I did make mini meat loaves again for dinner tonight. I will try to photograph them but I don't know how photogenic they are.

I went to accupuncture today after a long time. It was delightful.

Had a great readig at Mians' this past sunday. I read a couple pieces and got some compliments afterwards. That always feels good.

I want to take a good head shot of myslef for various reasons one of which is to show off my new hair.