Saturday, January 31, 2004

I'll probably be branded a heretic

but it occurred to me while I was reading the Bible in Lego Brick ( that if Jesus were to have the last supper now, with the Disciples, and talk about eating his body and drinking his blood, a doctor would have diagnosed him with a mental illness and given him medication very quickly. What does that say? That Jesus was potentially just a nut or that we've lost our capacity for wonderment at the unique? I favor the latter. Although if I were in a particularly bitter and cynical mood I might say I favor the former.

Now, please don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against Jesus. I think he had a wonderful set of teachings. It was just a thought that crossed my mind and I thought the concept was interesting. A great "what if" premise. What if Jesus was juat sent to the asylum instead of martyred? How different would the world be today?

thanks for reading.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004


I am deliriouly happy the sun is shining again. Its still cold and icy and snowy but there is sunshine. Delectable, radiant sunshine. I wish I could throw the windows open and let in some fresh air. I feel like I've been livivng in a cave the past few months.

I am so much more motivated when the sun is shining. When the sun doesn't come out its like I am in low key hibernation mode. I have been successfully keeping the winter blues at bay by spending time in my electric yellow didning room/office and going outdoors at least for a few moments a day.

I am simultaneously delighted and overwhelmed that I have projects on my plate. Some of them are mundane and ordinary things I do around the house....paint and spackle, laundry done completely (put away as well as washed) cooking. But I also have a business venture project with my son. Well, its only an idea at this point but he's been committed to it. Well, during the days off school his commitment lagged, but i won't hold that against him. AND we have a officially launched Intrigue Magazine! I am really excited about this. Its actually a project I've fantasized about for quite some time.

I know the tribulations of my organization crusade are rather dull but it is consuming a signifcant part of my energy-physical and intellectual. I must be making a modicum of progress because it didn't take me a month to clean for Eric's bday party the other night. It was reasonably presentable in an hour.

I've even made some headway thru the many stacks and folders of misc. papers I've saved. I emptied one basket and created some more elaborately piled piles. I am an information packrat. I am always afraid if I throw that 6 year old artist/vendor business card away I will need him for a festival I'll be invited to plan. Now, I haven' planned a festival in at least three years. So you think I'm safe? I don't think so. As soon as I throw the card away the universe will go into overtime producing a reason why I will be planning a festival.

I guess the real question lies in wether or not I want to plan a festival? Problem is, I can't decide.

And so goes the merry go round of my information piles.

And books. don't eve nwaste your breath asking me to get rid of books. Even badly written or useless books. I just can't do it. I can give the maway. But I can not throw one away. I've tried recycling one but I still felt guilty. Books are sacred or something to me.

Speaking of sacred, I 've decided I need a little more ritual and beauty in my life. I haven't yet decided what that will involve. I feel like maybe once this organization maelstrom is finished I can start contemplating some routines...maybe consistent yoga or write everyday or meditate. I want to get back to my walking. Running up and down stairs a dozen times although cardiovascularly healthy is not conducive to meandering thought. Walking is superb for that.

I also joined the climbing gym. I 've climbed once so far and was dismally disappointed in my performance. I know its been over (gasp) 20 years since the last time Irocked climbed, but geez, I thoguht I was in a little better shape. The up side of this is I know that if I stick with climbing I WLL GET BUFF. It works everything. I like thefact that you feel like you've accomplished sometihng with your body when you get to the top of the wall. And you are only competing with yourself.

Oh yeah, I baked two loaves of bread last night. It was a box mix sort of...I still had to knead it and mix the yeast and wait for everything to rise. I refuse to pay 4$ for a loaf of bread that doesn't have hydrgenated oils or high fructose corn syrup in it. I will just bake it myself. ( I don't know how practical this declaration is but I am declaring it anyway).

So, I've got a lot on my to do list but thats when I'm happiest. At least thats what I've come to believe.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004


while sitting in my truck
parked by the curb
squeezing a quiet moment
out of my daughter's
car seat nap
the mundane
was split
as I gazed noncommitally
thru the windshield
a shape approached overhead
I assumed a gull
something commonplace
but instead
like destiny aimed at my being
a young
red tailed hawk
bulleted towards me
nearly eye to eye
and swooped slightly
and over the roof of my truck
giving me a crystalline glance as his soft
beige and tawny speckled belly.
It was perfectly beautiful
in its surprise
in the way it punctured
my distractedness

it made me feel glad to be alive
to appreciate the moment
its fleeting nature
I needed that quick gasp
the moment of pure surprise.

Death has been lurking
both parents
having heart
episodes and/or surgery
a remembered dream of my mothers' death
an NPR show
today, interviewing an author
who discussed his multiple
brushes with death
excerpts of a poet who
though aged
is not afraid
only assured of Death
feels lucky
and thankful to be alive
violent highway accidents
this week
immobilizing traffic
the flu
trying to walk the fine line
protecting my toddler daughter
from danger
and forfeiting
my teenage son
his experience
the dark certainty
that the weak and helpless
children, elderly,
are routinely
lost to this world
all of the clamoring
to rid the world of terror/ists
beef up security
close the borders
this race to protect our citizens
our homeland
the bottom line
we're trying
to push away
our inevitable death.

Monday, January 19, 2004


after a long, long hiatus, we had a FAMILY evening last night. It was completely unplanned and very low key. BUT, we were all in the same room together, engaged in a goofy tv show. Eric wasn't being held there against his will, Carm wasn't badgering him, I wasn't nagging and Sophie was totally cheerful. It was completly and totally pleasant. I wish I knew how to recreate it but I won't try too hard. I tried to bathe consciously in the glow of the moment. But I did want to record the occurence of said moment for posterity.

Monday, January 12, 2004


This is the crappiest time of year for me. I suffer from the winter blues. Its totally because the days get short and I can't stand it.
So this year I am trying to be logical about it and use the time I feel stuck inside to really get my home in order. My family and I are veteran pack rats. Slobs, although I have made some remarkable strides in modifying that behavior.
I've managed to keep my sink unluttered for nearly a week
( however i confess i haven't done much cooking this week).
I've also made the bed every day this week which NEVER happened before here or anywhere I lived my entire life. SO see, there is some progress.

I just read an interesting novel called Juniper Tree Burning. I was drawn to it because the main character had an uncharacteristic childhood and I wanted to see how she wrote about it. I enjoyed her choice not to relate a chronological timeline but to flip flop between past and present. It worked for the story.

Unfortunately it dredged up some of my wierdo past and i had a hard time sleeping some nights. Just because you always wonder if you've made the right choices, and you wonder what kind of dominoe effects you've set into motion. I think one is probably much more prone to that kind of evaluating if you have kids of your own. You SO worry about your actions and the consequences it has for your children.

I also have a problem sometimes with noticing the anguish that exists on the planet. It seems as if there should be a clinical term for a condition that is characterized by too much empathy for suffering. It wouldn't be so bad if I picked a cause and made some contribution to it wether my time or my money, but I don't, I am paralyzed by the enormity of the situation.
This isn't to say that I am depresed and unable to function-its just that I get waves of wondering why the dark side of life has to be so dark. Why do kids have to suffer? Why are people who inflict pain so often just another round in a cycle of pain? How can those cycles be broken? can they be broken?

And then I wonder how can I organize my art supplies in a way that are accessible to me but not to my daughter Sophie? How will I get the Christmas decorations put away in an orderly way without her "helping" me? What do I do with all these different piles of information I've saved in case I need them and they seem only to be taking up space?

What do I do with all the pages of notes for the different business ideas I've had? What do I do with all the tiny pieces of paper I wrote on in the numerous awful desk jobs I've had, that mostly complain about said horrible desk job? They might contain some jewel, some kernel of unrealized truth?

And finally, what do you do when the identity you've worn for so long doesn't seem to fit anymore? How do you shed dead skin painlessly and without regret?

Any insights appreciated

Friday, January 09, 2004

getting a grip

Slowly, ever, so painfully slowly, I am getting a grip on the some of the feeling of chaos in my life. I feel like I get two steps forward and fall four steps back a lot, but it works out to incremental progress nevertheless.

The thing I've learned about myself is that it can take me forever to select a goal. I've had a couple year stretch now of flopping around in a sort of goal less void. Of course I have the daily goals, wash dishes, read, that sort of thing. and the big broad goal-keep my kids in good shape-but I didn't have a specific, attainable goal for myself. The nice thing is that i can feel something evolving. I'm getting the tiniest whisper of a desire for a project.

BUT before I give this project full room to romp and play I have commanded myself to get this place organized!