Tuesday, December 02, 2003

my kick-ass-less husk

you ever get the feeling that your kick-ass-ness has left the building? I do. Far, far too often. Thing is I don't have a clue where it went or how to get it back. I could delude myself into thinking its maturity but it feels like Alzheimers or something.. I just feel like a big fat sort of mildewy dish rag sometimes.
I know mothering a toddler is demanding. I know mothering a teenager is demanding. (it just got more demanding by the way).
But I am sick of just feeling blechy. So the un-blechy! movemnt will soon be underway.
I am desperate to find some writing compadres. Like in real life so we can bitch and moan and then scribble furiously. That will be a priority.
I NEEd some clothes. I hate most of the clothes I own. The other half are either too big or too small. I seem to have been given a figure that no one creates clothes for. My shoulders are obscenely broad, I have small boobs, I 've got some hip and a belly.
I usually want to scream after clothes hunting. I keep swearing I'm just going to buy all black clothes -turtle necks and sweaters in winter and black shorts and t shirt in the summer. But I crave color and spunk and snazz and flair and that doesnt get satisfied with an all black wardrobe.
And I am mortified to realize I have had the same exact hair ALL my life (i mean I looked at a picture of me seven years old and I have the same hair), except for a brief stint of pale pink streaked hair this summer.
I just might commit violence if I don't get my clutter under control soon. I can never find anything when I want it but I find cool stuff when I can't use it.
I keep vowing I'm going to go out and walk ( I don't HAVE TO now because I don't have a dog anymore) and I get all motivated but its been bitterly windy cold and guess what I can't find a winter coat I like.
I think I am going to start going back to yoga classes. My shoulders feel like steel rods. No movement-I walk like a body builder. Can you say unresolved stress?
I REALLY like Christmas but I feel like I only have about ten minutes a day to myself to do any of the things I would like to do. I have my annual christmas ornament decorating party and I wonder how I can pull it off. I've made no progress towards the christmas spa day for the women. Will it be last second holiday purchasing? NO! I forbid that. Besides I seem to do best under pressure. Will I ever grow out of my procrastination? Not likely.
Well this concludes my bitch and moan session, I'm annoying myself.

off to buy a yoga mat.

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