vacuum

I feel like I am incapable of creating in a vacuum. Even though I KNOW I would get so much more accomplished if I could just sit at my notebook, I am so insecure I need some instant gratification of people reading my work. Maybe I'll start posting it here.
I guess it could be argued thats the whole point of writing-for someone to read whatever it is. But shouldn't I have the patience to re-read and offer up the best I can offer rather than works in progress?
I read some very inspiring work today, some Maxine Hong Kingston and Alice Walker. I had some deep thoughts but no notebook to write them in.
I keep thinking to myself I would be happier if I were writing regularly. That I wouldn't feel so clogged.

holidays

Its been so wonderful to have an adult to talk to during the day. I love Sophie to pieces but complete sentences are fun too.

I felt a little conflicted about the holidays this year. I was really happy that we weren't rushing madly through malls and other crazed shoppers but I also didn't feel like it was Christmas. I felt better once the tree and decorations were up, because well, I love colorful, tacky glitzy decorations. We don't go overboard but I enjoy what we have so far. One day I would like to be one of those crazy people with astronomical electricity bills because they have a bazillion lights...

I was really pleased that the Spa Day was such a hit. Everyone enjoyed it so much they want to make it a monthly event. I guess massage will do that to a woman.We chose shiatsu massage and we were very pleased with it. Mike happily massaged 7 women and 1 guy right in a row.
I've never been to a hoity toity spa but I can say I enjoy it in the comfort and casual atmosphere of my home.

It was a difficult week before Christmas because Sophie got sick with one of the lesser flus. Eric did too but it hardly phased him. Soph was miserable all week. A relentless low grade fever and two nights of a high fever. Coughing, snottiness and not wanting to leave the sofa. I was her second skin. High fever nights were no fun. she didn't do anything, not even tell us "no". I was SO relieved when she started to get perky again.

Although it appears I'll have to get used to stepping away from Christmas shopping insanity, I enjoyed the lower key immensely. I think next year I may even try my hand at making some gifts. Our ornament making party seemed extra fun this year becasue we could relax and enjoy each others' company and not feel that we should be shopping.

I'm feeling so wierd about Soph growing up. She has weaned it appears. Which delights me becasue we're sleeping better but its her first real step away from me. Thats hard.

She is already behaving as a terrible two although she isn't yet. "No" is the prime part of her vocabulary and she's trying to do everything by herself. Cute but can be infuriating too.

I'm loving the time with Carm. He's had a big chunk of time off and I love having his company. We may not be inseparable on the sofa but we can hug and kiss when it strikes us and he can lend a hand w/Soph so I can finish a thought.

I had a fantasy about totally clutter freeing the house. That won't happen but we did get some things done.

and writing on any consistent basis is a fantasy too. Partly out of my own laziness and partly because of distractions.

I'm tired of feeling like I don't get anything pleasurable accomplished and I 'm tired of Eric's behaviour.
I keep deciding I am not going to spend so much time in the house and near tv and then the weather gets crappy. Its also challenging to find toddler friendly indoor things to do. Today is a perfect example-we have free time and can't think of anything to do. I hate that!

I have all these little to do's that just keep piling up. I need to burn some discs and mail them. I should send out some new years or something cards to a couple people. I need to get my to do's in one place and streamline them.

No New Year's Eve plan as of the moment but we usually don't go wild anyhow.

some stuff

My e-world is expanding. That is good news. It keeps the feeling of social isolation to a miniumum.

I am making progress in the daily house maintenance department. I've think I've gotten filth under control. Clutter is another issue altogether. It will require some creative storage because I totally forget what I pack away. I'm visual. I like to see my stuff.

and just in case you wondered, I'm most like this X Men character:


You are Beast!

You are brilliant and extremely clever. You can
handle almost any problem swiftly and
efficiently. You are devoted to philosophy and
are always up for a good discussion.
Sometimes, though, your anger gets the best of
you and you upset those whom you care about.


Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

In Case You Wondered

I'm this kind of kisser..... (if the paste works you'll read it)


You have a surprise kiss! Your partner is always
pleasantly pleased to have you jump outta no
where to dote them with a fun peck on the cheek
or more passionate embrace. super markets and
work places are your favorite places to attack
your loved one with all your love =p


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


I can't believe it worked!! yay!

woo hoo! made a snowman!

Well, most of a snowman. Its two tiered but no features yet. If it doesn't rain later in the day we'll go out and give him ayes and stuff. Some eyes too.
It was Sophie's first snow storm. She wasn't quite sure what to do. Mom was a bit ga ga over FINALLY having good snow man snow. So its sitting on our back porch and I'm going to take a picture of him but I don't have a scanner or a digital camera so I doubt I would post it if I

going to go read some other blogs now.

flogger

I think I'm in the market for a good flogger. We need someone to come here and beat us senseless until we figure out how to clean up after ourselves. I mean its really out of control. 98% of the time, if someone "popped by" I would be mortified by the state of my house. Not just kid clutter, well, ok, there is kid clutter. Is there such a thing as kid filth? There's always a fine patina of crumbs, and dried play doh and cat hair and tiny shreds of paper. I guess I can understand that. But, I can rarely see the floor in our bedroom. Everything is always on the counter and not in cupboards in our kitchen. The sink usually full with who knows what dishes. Some from today, some from yesterday I just didn't have the energy to finish, a couple days of rinsed recycling on the drying rack.
My desk is just a cacophany of misplaced crap, pens that may or may not write, cds, cassette tapes I don't even listen to, jewelry wire, my engagement ring, a paper lantern......I don't get it.
So really, If someone could just come over and beat us regularly , maybe we could get the hang of it. If I go to leave the dinner dishes in the sink over night-just a few good slaps might remind me.
I really do apologize if some of you had horrible parents that disciplined you that way for real...this is just my bizarre fantasy life and I didn't mean to open old wounds.
Now, my mother might argue that was how it was in her Cinderella life. She was her parents scullery maid and vowed as an adult never to lift a finger to clean unnecessarily.
( while typing I realize Soph has dusted the entire floor of the house in molecules of shredded soy cheese)

And by the way, I can tell you that even a REALLY impassioned motivational conversation doesn't get the kitchen floor to clean itself. I just thought I would save you some trouble.

my kick-ass-less husk

you ever get the feeling that your kick-ass-ness has left the building? I do. Far, far too often. Thing is I don't have a clue where it went or how to get it back. I could delude myself into thinking its maturity but it feels like Alzheimers or something.. I just feel like a big fat sort of mildewy dish rag sometimes.
I know mothering a toddler is demanding. I know mothering a teenager is demanding. (it just got more demanding by the way).
But I am sick of just feeling blechy. So the un-blechy! movemnt will soon be underway.
I am desperate to find some writing compadres. Like in real life so we can bitch and moan and then scribble furiously. That will be a priority.
I NEEd some clothes. I hate most of the clothes I own. The other half are either too big or too small. I seem to have been given a figure that no one creates clothes for. My shoulders are obscenely broad, I have small boobs, I 've got some hip and a belly.
I usually want to scream after clothes hunting. I keep swearing I'm just going to buy all black clothes -turtle necks and sweaters in winter and black shorts and t shirt in the summer. But I crave color and spunk and snazz and flair and that doesnt get satisfied with an all black wardrobe.
And I am mortified to realize I have had the same exact hair ALL my life (i mean I looked at a picture of me seven years old and I have the same hair), except for a brief stint of pale pink streaked hair this summer.
I just might commit violence if I don't get my clutter under control soon. I can never find anything when I want it but I find cool stuff when I can't use it.
I keep vowing I'm going to go out and walk ( I don't HAVE TO now because I don't have a dog anymore) and I get all motivated but its been bitterly windy cold and guess what I can't find a winter coat I like.
I think I am going to start going back to yoga classes. My shoulders feel like steel rods. No movement-I walk like a body builder. Can you say unresolved stress?
I REALLY like Christmas but I feel like I only have about ten minutes a day to myself to do any of the things I would like to do. I have my annual christmas ornament decorating party and I wonder how I can pull it off. I've made no progress towards the christmas spa day for the women. Will it be last second holiday purchasing? NO! I forbid that. Besides I seem to do best under pressure. Will I ever grow out of my procrastination? Not likely.
Well this concludes my bitch and moan session, I'm annoying myself.

off to buy a yoga mat.

mmmmm, the holidays

I guess lots of blogs will be addressing the holidays. Personally I enjoy them more than I loathe them. There are political and commercial reaons not to support them but at this point in my life these are traditions I'm not ready to put to rest.
Thanksgiving is actually fairly pleasant. We do it pot luck style and invite whoever needs a seat at a table that year we know of. Folks are usually on their good behaviour, not much drinking and no football to speak of, so its pretty mellow.
I do like to set a nice table but since we often sit somewhere with a plate on our lap I don't put much effort into it.
I guess its boiled down to a yearly day my twisted family gets together to eat. I haven't made many attempts to politicize it. Most of us agree the Natives got screwed. I don't know how familiar everyone is with factory farming but my blood doesn't seem to be very revolutionary. They're all stuck in their retail or cubicle jobs and just don't seem to have the energy for anything else. A lot of un-addressed depression lurking too but that's another whole thing.
Christmas is my second favorite holiday. It's in a toss up with Halloween. I think I like anything that's dramatic. I love to decorate the house. Although last year not much happened. I hope this year I at least get the outside lights up. I will probably opt for unbreakable ornaments on the tree. We get a live tree, and then plant one somewhere in the spring. Tried the artificial one year and our cats destroyed it. And I missed the smell of pine. I have to confess though-one of the items I'm aching to get my hands on is an aluminum tree with the color wheel. I NEED it. Its a nostalgia thing. I'd have both.
I like everything associated with Christmas except me caroling and the retail insanity. I think this year we've come up with a good plan. The girls in thefamily have put our funds together and we're going to a full day home spa. Hiring a masseuse and everything. We get pampered, we have togetherness and we're not stuck in the stores. I'm looking forward to it.
I want to do a boy group thing but I am flummoxed and can't think of something they would all like....
Last year, we ONLY shopped at local merchants. It was a lot less crowded and I didn't feel like I was contributing directly to a monopoly. I'll shop for the kids that way this year too.
I also have my annual decorating party. We all get together at my place and make Christmas ornaments. We have the tried and true glass ball projects and we try something different each year. Even the non-artists really seem to enjoy themselves. We listen to goofy Christmas music, have coffe, tea and chocolate chip cookies and whatever goodies are handy. Lots of laughter and companionship....the best!.
Christmas day is usually kinda nuts because I've ALWAYS driven from house to house to visit. I have no idea what its like to wake up and stay home.

I'm off to the grocery store to get ingredients to try some new recipes.

identity

I've been thinking all day today about what identity I want to have here. Do I want one that most mirrors me or do I want one that's very different? If I try to be fake I think it will be obvious. And there's already quite a bit of artifice around. I think my time is best spent being authentic.
This isn't to say I can't be dramatic or theatrical or plastered in makeup if the mood strikes me.
Let's look at the different identities I can catalogue:
mother-to my 15 year old son Eric and my 17 month old daughter Sophie. Mothering consumes the most of my physical, mental and emotional energy. It is the one that is the most rewarding when I feel I am being good at it. It is the most unusual because it can give me instant gratification but it will take many years to see if I've done any lasting damage or I was essentially successful at nurturing well rounded human beings.
wife-this is my second most consuming identity. It still feels funny to call myself that. Even the second time around. It seems like an archaic fuddy duddy term. Not modern enough or something. I am comfortably certain there will be no third time. I am confident of this fact because should this attempt fail I will either be in jail, in hiding or will have become a Tibetan lesbian nun.
a grown child-I have parents. This fact is sometimes astounding to me. Primarily because I cannot imagine the two people romantically involved. They've been divorced forever. I think they were married a total of a year or so. Oddly enough, at least to me, I was a planned child.
sister-i have two brothers and two sisters. Not much of a relationship with the older brother and sister. The reason is a long story illustrating the roots of the screwed up dynamics of my family.
friend-I have some groovy wonderful freinds and wouldn't be the person I am today without them.
compulsive helper-it both satisfies me and makes me crazy.
therapist-it seems to be my karma
creative person, specifically writer-I've been stringing words on paper since I was tiny. One day,(goal five years)I'll have my book on bookstore shelves and I'll make some money. I like to do visual stuff too: collage, beadwork, photography, spiff stuff up with glitter and other paraphernalia. I constantly rearrange furniture and paint rooms or furniture different colors (well it was constantly before Sophie was born).
people watcher-ok maybe its not an identity exactly but I LOVE it and its something I always do.
frustrated optimist-I don't want to get into a litany of labels for myself but my heart breaks daily because of how human beings try to boss nature around. And daily I'm astounded by human cruelty. But, I don't think human beings or society must stay entrenched. I think change is possible if not imperative. I'm not sure if I can change the world but I know I can take responsibility for myself and my choices and that is a place to start.
critter lover-can't pass anything pettable and want to pet the unpettable.
bibliophile-can't throw a book away
sexual being-some times more than others but always fascinated.
enjoy music-particularly live.
partier-no not the chemical kind, although I have been known to drink Kahlua once in awhile. I just love to pick a reason, set a mood and invite folks over. But don't go expecting a Martha Stewart kind of shindig...maybe more like The Frugal Gourmet meets Sharon Osbourne.

That's a pretty good review for starters. Obviously you'll get to know me better as this progresses. And when I figure out how you can respond if the mood strikes you, I'll get to know you better too. I guess you can always send an email-sp8cemunky@att.net

oh yeah, I think I volunteered for a campaign for MoveOn.org today. I'll let you know what I end up doing.

cya!

part II

Let's talk about some of the reasons I want to blog. I want to blog to create community, even if its virtual. I want to explore politics and activism . I want to find some like minded creatures. That's really the tough one. I feel eternally on the fringe. If I am in a radical group...i'm not AS radical. If I'm in a conservative group..oooh I'm radical, or freaky, or hippy, or just not part of that tribe. It never used to bother me. But, now, well, its just old. It would be nice to just click with someone and then have a relationshp evolve naturally. And it would be exceptional if that person lived nearby. It would be nice to find an enclave of folks who enjoy the activities I do.

I know part of my angst is never having a relationship mature into what I had with my teen age best friend. Who has silently disappeared off the face of the Earth and who I fear is dead or in some nasty place. We became friends because during a fateful phonecall I talked him out of jumping off his roof. We were inseparable after that. We did the eighties thing together. He lived with me. He came out of the closet to me. I drove all the way to Virginia Beach to visit him when he lived with his twisted military father (who thought we needed another war like Viet Nam, that was a good war). He came back to live with my mother while I lived elsewhere. We were tight.

But, I haven't had that comradery in too many years. My hubby is a fantastic guy but he's not the same. A girl needs a confidante, ya know.

Don't get me wrong. I do meet cool people and I do have some wonderful friends. Its just you miss having a best buddy.

So on a political note, I heard Kucinich on the radio yesterday. He is a Democratic candidate for president. I liked what he had to say. He is an underdog and may not even get a nomination. I am considering voluteering for his campaign. I'm curious how others feel about him.

I think I'm going to go spend some time learning how to use this Blog and set up all my options.

Til next time

Woo Hoo! My first entry. I am just going to wing it. I've been tossing around about a dozen different reasons/purposes for a blog and I haven't gotten anywhere. Jumping in head first will get me somewhere.

I've only read a handful of blogs. I like the stream of consciousness writing style.

Can I write in a public domain like this and not feel totally intimidated and self conscious? In all reality there are no bosses or creative writing teachers reading this blog, and even if they are, they have no authority over me or my writing. So, that should leave me pretty free to write.

I do look forward to a reciprocal community evolving.

I have a huge learning curve. I don't know anything about blogging yet. So, this will be an elementary excursion all the way.

Do I do my bio thing here? Nanh. I think I'll wait.
Suffice it to say-I am in Baltimore, Maryland. I am married although I don't think I'll ever get comfortable referring to my other half as my husband. It still feels all goofy and 50's sounding or something. I have two kids. I want to be a writer when I grow up. No- scratch that. I AM A WRITER. I am still playing with directions for my writing. Mostly because I have a small being who perpetually interupts my attempts at writing.
I am not whining, just stating facts.

Okey Dokey. I'm going to let this be my first post and see what develops from here....